The Leather Pants - Date 6

One girl's misadventures in online dating: Date 6 - Tom (but a different one, hilariously named Tom 2 in my phone)

One day, during my daily matches, I was clearly in a very good mood or had my judgment impaired, because I had said I was interested in Tom 2 and then followed up with an email. No, this was not a rare occurrence, but when I went back to look at his profile before meeting him on Friday, I couldn't figure out why I would have given him a check mark or sent him a message. I found myself hoping that it was for his glowing personality because his looks weren't doing it for me. Sure, he had a friendly face and a nice set of teeth, but he was on the larger side of chubby, wore cowboy boots everywhere, and was in general not my type. Needless to say, my hopes were not high when I showed up on Friday and because of Thursday's date with Chas, I had almost cancelled. 

Tom 2 and I met at a coffee shop in a trendy part of town at 7 pm on Friday. Why these men want caffeine so late in the day is beyond me. We went in to order drinks and I had no clue what to get in this fancy coffee shop so I ordered a plain chai tea. What I received was some sort of milk concoction that was super sweet, it also cost $6! Which he paid, but it was the principle of ordering a $6 tea that had me outraged. We got our drinks to go and walked down by the river for a bit and chatted. Conversation didn't flow easily, again! He seemed nice enough, but we had nothing in common. He was into country music, I'm into hip hop and R&B. He liked to frequent the country bars in our town, I prefer house music and dancing. He was into fishing and hunting, I'm into live animals and almost cried last weekend when I thought I hit a squirrel in my car. 

Here's what happened with the squirrel: I was driving to meet my friends for a casual fall hike and I was on a street that had two lanes when a squirrel darted into my path! Usually I would slam on my brakes or swerve into the next lane, but there was someone following closely behind me and someone in the lane next to me. So I closed my eyes and kept driving. Poor squirrel, I'm so sorry. When I told my friends about the squirrel incident, they assured me that had I hit the squirrel, I would have felt a bump in the car, which I didn't. YAY! He lived! But, I digress ... 

We continued our walk along the river and he spat on the sidewalk. Twice. It was vile. This is a disgusting habit and is actually illegal in certain cities. It was also, despite his other shortcomings, his ultimate downfall. 

Luckily this crazy storm came out of nowhere, going inside meant no more spitting! He suggested we run to OJs for a drink instead of staying out in the storm. I was so excited for alcohol at this point, I quickly ordered liquor and he ordered NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER WITH ORANGE JUICE. Umm, what? 1. Who puts juice in their beer? Let alone orange juice? 2. Non-alcoholic beer. I have no words. He then talked about non-alcoholic beer for an extended period of time and told me about how he still has a great time while not drinking, and while I respect that as a lifestyle choice that one can make, it is not a choice that I have made for myself. Recovering alcoholic? Maybe, but don't invite someone for drinks if you don't intend to drink ...

Remember when I told you that I hate being lied to? This was another betrayal from the dating site, because one of the options a person can click is how much or how often they drink. I chose an option along the lines of "casual drinker" and "evening out with friends", meaning I enjoy a drink or two, but don't necessarily need to drink to excess.  Tom 2 could have easily chosen "I don't drink", which would have been a valuable heads-up before our date. 

I was very clearly done with this date, so I told him about all the work I had to do at home and how I couldn't do it over the weekend because of a volleyball tournament. He paid the bill and we left. Unfortunately he insisted on walking me to my car, which I had parked miles away. We walked and he suggested we meet up again before he leaves for work, I thought I did a good job saying no, but when I got home I had a text from him saying how much fun he had and that he hoped he could take me on a second date before leaving. I had to tell him that I didn't feel a connection, and I felt bad about it later. 

All in all, not my worst online date, but not my best either. I'm beginning to think that all of these "relationships" that sites brag have started online must be between two people who are more open-minded than I am. I will keep you updated on my progress in this regard.

Love Sack Murda

Christmas Is So Magical.

Guest Blogger: Tall Skinny Giraffe (because I'm the opposite right now haha)

My husband, bless him, loves Christmas. Like, absolutely loves Christmas and everything that comes with it. Freshly cut Christmas trees, decorations, scented candles, baby Jesus, outdoor pond hockey, Christmas movies, Christmas music, presents, family dinners with turkey...I could go on for a full page.

So for Christmas this year, he decided to get tickets to the local theatre's A Christmas Carol and give them to his whole family. It was supposed to be a magical outing, full of peace and joy. We were both looking forward to it. The one thing we didn't factor in is that his whole family all together is, well, um...less than magical.

First we went out for dinner. We took Grandpa M, Grandpa R and Grandma. They all cannot hear. Grandma's hearing aids were either broken or lost, we couldn't determine which. Grandpa M loves to make really lame jokes with waitresses, who in turn feel very awkward and aren't sure if he's being serious or joking, and if so, should they laugh? Smile? Take him seriously? And if they say anything in return, he can't hear it! So it becomes a vicious circle very quickly.

Grandpa M also hates pepper. He feels it is extremely offensive and rude of the chef to include pepper in the French onion soup, or the salmon main course, or the potato sides. HOW RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE CAN THEY BE?!

So by the end of the meal in a full house restaurant, our nerves were already on edge because we'd had to yell across the table to the three old folks sitting opposite, disturbing other guests in the process. We had to do damage control with the waitress, re-order pepper-less food for Grandpa M, make sure everyone got to and from the car without falling, ensure Grandma's oxygen tank was actually on so she wouldn't die, remind her to pace herself as she literally gulped her glass of house white, re-interpret for each of them so they would understand each other, and make sure that we finished in time to get to the play through snowy winter driving conditions.

Anyway, we packed everyone up and actually made it inside the theatre before they locked the doors! Phew! There was a row of young children in front of us. I thought, "Great, they will probably be loud and obnoxious and ruin the whole experience for us." You know what? Those kids were as good as gold. But the old person sitting next to me who couldn't figure out the assisted hearing device and then yelled-while the play was in full swing-"IT'S NOT WORKING!" or, "THAT'S BETTER!" when I fixed it for him (again). Oh my, that was loud and obnoxious.

My husband got stuck next to his sister, who is pregnant with the worst recorded pregnancy of all time and is sick with a life-threatening cold. Her constant groaning, shifting, muttering, coughing, sighing, sniffling and general misery did nothing to enhance the experience for my poor, Christmas-loving hubby, who by this point was regretting this magical evening altogether.

The two other grandparents, stationed in the handicap area, insisted on having periodic discussions (arguments?) with their assisted hearing devices in their ears, so they could not hear each other but everyone around them could hear every single word. The rest of our family were trapped in the middle section of the row so we could do nothing but slouch in our seats in embarrassment and mutter to the other guests around us, "Who are those people??"

Did I mention that I am eight months pregnant and cannot drink? Fun times. My mother-in-law and father-in-law, who deal with this on a daily basis and have no capacity for any further stress in their lives had given up on the old folks for the evening, and were calmly sipping their amazing-looking red wine next to me.

When the night was done, and everyone safely home, I reflected on what makes Christmas and family "magical". Well, let's be honest. Magical does not mean perfect. We all have a level of dysfunction and discord among us, and I'm not perfect either-although I'd like to think so. The capacity to love and forgive each other, despite our faults, is what makes Christmas magical and amazing. There is nowhere else we'd rather be on Christmas day than with our families, despite the fact that they can be difficult, neurotic, annoying and obnoxious. We love them all the same.

Merry Christmas!!

Em for Movies - Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens on opening weekend, though I’m not sure how. I am not a proper Star Wars geek. I didn’t book tickets in advance, I didn’t show up particularly early, I didn’t dress up or spend an inordinate amount of money. In a bid to reach maximum audience and properly shatter every box office record, nearly every screen in the gigantic multiplex was showing the same movie, and even with its staggering popularity, Star Wars hadn’t sold out. At least not literally.

As part of a franchise and a Disney product, you can’t honestly expect an original film. I didn’t. But, wide-eyed optimist that I am, I hoped.

Scientists seem reasonably certain that there is a great deal of universe out there beyond our atmosphere. Thus, space is the setting for some truly amazing tales of imagination and wonder. A saga of epic proportions set in worlds light-years from our own has the potential to bring so many new vistas, creatures, characters and situations. The Force Awakens didn’t have any of these. In what amounted to nearly a scene-for-scene recreation of the original Star Wars (A New Hope), we were presented with practically nothing we haven’t seen before. As though each successful element of the previous six movies was printed on the side of a ping pong ball, pulled at random from a cage and the movie was judged complete when a die-hard Star Wars fanboy/screenwriter shouted “Bingo!” in a paroxysm of delight. Whether the filmmakers were feeling nostalgic, or simply risk-averse, it hardly matters. Copy. Paste. Success.

To be fair, some things were improved upon. The special effects were quite impressive. The audience laughed, cried, ooohed and aaahed right on cue. The recipe seemed to have worked. After all, practice makes perfect. So why do I feel so disappointed?

I think they played it safe, and it shows.

I give it a Coors. Good but not great, and somewhat lacking imagination.



Cheers,

Em

Head Over Flats - Andrew

I fell in love with Andrew on a Sunday afternoon. A small group of resident students were in an atrium on campus at the University. I was perched on the edge of a sofa, quietly reading and half-listening to the people around me. As an exercise, I was applying the Bakhtinian theory that I was reading to the conversation of my peers around me.

Andrew was nearby, pontificating to an eager young pup on some obscure variant of Jewish asceticism as a precursor of the Christian monastic tradition. Or something like that. I was only half-listening, after all. I made a note in the margin of my book: “…suspect that authoritative discourse is inevitably present in any dialogue regarding religion, despite the fact that it has been proven to be less effective than internally persuasive discourse.” It made sense to me at the time. I was smarter back then. Or at least, I thought I was.

My friend Emily caught my eye, and rolled hers before returning to her book–a novel. The girl hardly ever cracked a textbook.

Outside, a bright wintery double-reflection of sun and snow made the window a painful white square against the institutional grey around us. I was in a safe, dark corner with an excellent vantage of the scene, and a necessary view of the door.

By midway through the semester, our small group had commandeered the fourth floor atrium through the simple expedient of being friendly, and slightly noisier than the library. The new girl had followed Andrew into our cloister after class, where I assume they’d struck up a conversation, which transitioned seamlessly into a monologue once Andrew got going.

I looked at the door, anticipating the entrance of my boyfriend, Trent. He was late, as usual. I heard the name “Trent,” like someone reading my mind across the room. It was Andrew. He was explaining to the new girl who we all were in concise, authoritative statements.

“Trent is an engineer, but he’ll probably drop out this semester if he doesn’t get his shit together.” I couldn’t disagree. “He rigged those speakers up.” Andrew gestured to the shelf of stereo equipment above my head. We were listening to the soundtrack from the movie Gladiator. I feel like we always listened to either film scores, or Korn.

Andrew continued his observations, “His girlfriend doesn’t say much, but whenever she does, it’s brilliant.”

I looked at him. It was meant to be a glance. He was leaning against the wall on the far side of the room, his shoulders faced the girl but his eyes were fixed on mine. I’d never physically felt anyone looking at me before, it was tactile. Our eye contact lasted an unseemly long time and his conversation continued like he was on autopilot. I was taking notes, without thinking. Meeting his eyes was kinetic, unbalancing. I fell.

Trent walked in.

"Truth is not born nor is it to be found inside the head of an individual person, it is born between people collectively searching for truth, in the process of their dialogic interaction." (Mikhail Bakhtin)

 

Top 5s - Christmas Movies

Emily Statler

1.  A Christmas Story (1983)

Quintessential, hilarious, wonderful. Childhood magic, insightfully mature humour and some of the most iconic Christmas moments distilled into one movie.

2.  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

What Christmas is complete without Robert Downey Jr offering rapid-fire acerbic humour in one of my favourite modern noir detective films? It’s how I always picture Christmas in LA-dead people, brilliant dialogue and truly twisted seasonal cheer.

3.  Gremlins (1984)

Every time Johnny Mathis’s “Do You Hear What I Hear?” plays I get chills and expect to be attacked by maniacal green monsters. Gremlins is a great holiday film that reinforces the lessons of responsible gift-giving and caring for your pets as instructed.

4.  The Ref (1994)

The splendid dysfunction and acid-sharp bitterness of The Ref gives me that warm Christmassy feeling that comparatively speaking, my family isn’t really so bad. Incredibly funny.

5.  It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

This isn’t just on here to prove that I am not a soulless Grinch. While I mostly prefer off-beat dark satire in my Christmas movies, when it comes to my Top 5, it’s not complete without It’s a Wonderful Life. Funny, poignant and so beautiful it hurts, this is one of the best movies of its era, and a classic story of appreciating what you’ve got, because life is wonderful.

Houdani

1.  Miracle on 34^th Street (1947)

It's a classic. My family would curl up under blankets on the couch and eat popcorn and candy. I knew it was Christmas time when this movie came on! And I feel like I'm five again when I watch it now.

2.  Love Actually (2003)

Also a classic! It’s not a typical Christmas story, but I love it anyway. And obviously the music is fantastic (not that I can sing every word of it…)

3.  Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

Another classic! Seems to be a theme. Not only do you have lessons about being a good person but there is great music (which will be stuck in your head for months) and cute little Whos!!!

4.  Elf (2003)

If I want a good laugh, this is the best one to watch. What would Christmas be without an oversized elf to mess everything up?

5.  Die Hard (1988)

I didn’t realize this was a Christmas movie at first…but it is! And I love the Die Hard movies. Bruce Willis? Action? Danger? Yes, Please!

Fairy Tales and Theory

1.  Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

I love seeing his cold heart warm. It’s kind of a like a love story for himself.

2.  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

3.  Elf (2003)

4.  A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

5.  Home Alone (1990)

Sack Murda

1.  National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

There are obvious reasons why I chose this movie: it’s hilarious, Clark Griswold is the original “Dad jokester”, and it’s just funny and heart-warming. On a more personal note, I love this movie because we always watched it as a family while I was growing up and have wonderful memories of it.

Best scene: Squirrel in the tree

2.  Elf (2003)

I feel that this is another obvious choice. I’ve seen this movie every year with my friends from high school. A heart-warming tale of Christmas spirit, made even better by the hilarity that is Will Ferrell. I. Just. Love. It.

Best lines: “Buddy the elf! What’s your favourite colour?”

“I just like to smile, smiling’s my favourite!”

“Good news! I saw a dog today!”

“Watch out, the yellow ones don’t stop!”

3.  Scrooged (1988)

More hilarity á la A Christmas Carol. Solid gold. Another family favourite.

4.  The Night Before (2015)

A new classic I think. I felt the story was heart-warming, I was cheering for the characters to get what they wanted, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was dreamy per usual, Seth Rogan was hilarious per usual, what more could you want?

Best part: Probably the Christmas sweaters and the rap scene.

5.  The Holiday (2006)

This movie is a dumb rom-com and I love it. The old man (Arthur Abbott played by Eli Wallach) is the cutest thing ever to grace the silver screen and makes me want to be a woman of Gumption. Gets me misty-eyed every time.

Best part: delicious 2006 Jude Law

Dee Waldorf

1.  The Ref (1994)

Because it’s frickin funny and my sister recommended it to me.

2.  Die Hard (1988) or Die Hard 2 (1990)

Because every Christmas needs some explosions and mega action star Bruce Willis.

3.  Elf (2003)

The one movie that made me start to like that curly-haired freak by the name of Will Ferrell. Thank you random guy in my anthropology class who told me that I had to watch it. I now own an Elf bobble head and two t-shirts. “Smiling’s my favourite!”

4.  Polar Express (2004)

Because it’s beautiful and it makes my kids happy and I want to ride a train someday.

5.  Harry Potter 1-8 (2001-2011)

Because Christmas is the only time of year I can watch them all nearly back to back to back, and who doesn’t love a spectacular movie marathon!?!

Lizzy Tonnell

1.  The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

2.  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

3.  Home Alone (1990)

4.  Elf (2003)

5.  Mole’s Christmas (1994)

Drew Sicola

1.  The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

There have been many versions of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol, but this one is my personal favourite. Michael Caine is fantastic as crotchety old miser Ebenezer Scrooge, and there are so many fabulous Muppet moments that make you laugh without losing the moralistic but poignant narrative.

2.  A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

The Peanuts gang does a great job of embodying all of the different feelings about Christmas. It comes across as very rich and real, even after 50 years. The “Charlie Brown” tree has become an archetype on its own, and Linus’s gently lisping recital of Luke Chapter 2:8-14 is simply beautiful.

3.  Love Actually (2003)

Laughs, tears and the conviction that love really is all around (kind of like Christmas)…what more do you need?

4.  Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966)

Simply put: Boris Karloff’s narration is a delight. I often wonder if we, like the citizens of Whoville would still celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, even without all of the trappings. I have my doubts, until the Whos start singing.

5.  Home Alone (1990)

I enjoy how Home Alone balances a feel-good family message, absurdist comedy and a solid soundtrack with a quiet commentary on some of the absolute worst things about Christmas including travel insanity, horrible weather, crime, consumerism and cabin fever in a house overfilled with people, especially that one uncle that everyone loathes (No Frank, you’re the jerk!).

Head Over Flats - Alistair

I fell in love with Alistair on a Friday. I’d known him for years; there subsisted an easy affection between us, almost familial in its simplicity and comfort. When we first met, Alistair was an adorably feckless charmer with easy grace, a slight accent, and eyes the colour of a glacier-fed river. In the long, busy years of our friendship, he had developed a passion for his work, a strong and simple sense of self and an appreciation for me that I will never truly understand.

We were an odd pair. Alistair was deeply creative and philosophical, with an earthy sensibility and capable hands. I was practical and inhibited, with a nervous laugh and chipped nail polish. We had nicknames and inside jokes, I was on a first name basis with his mother and my (married) older sister always referred to him as "the Scottish dreamboat" to my continued bemusement.

That Friday we were talking and drinking on the patio. The last clear, slanted rays of autumn sunshine were dancing around us. He stood and adjusted the collar of his shirt. His eyes smiled at me first, lighting up with a witticism that followed in the smooth, deep susurrations of his speech. By the time the smile found its way to his lips, I was in love. He walked away to get us another round of whiskey and I tried to talk myself out of it. Too late.

"But look-he flicks his hand to the back of his neck. For such a gesture one falls hopelessly in love for a lifetime." (Virginia Woolf)

 

The Leather Pants - Date 5

One girl's misadventures in online dating - Date 5: Chas

Oh my goodness, you are in for a treat! Last night, I went on the worst of all the online dates that I've been on. In fact it only lasted 30 minutes, that's how bad it was.

Let me start with some reality. In reality, I am 5' 8 3/4''.  That is less than 5' 9'', which is how tall I tell people I am and which is what my online dating profile says. That is less than 5' 11" which is how tall I used to be convinced I was and how tall I used to tell people I was. There is actually a volleyball roster that was sent out when I was in grade 12 that said I was 6' 3", that was very clearly a lie. So, in reality, I'm not THAT tall, but I am kind of tall.

On the online dating site, you are supposed to write your hair colour, eye colour, height, "body type", race, etc. Chas's profile said he was 5' 9", which, as I have just established, should have been taller than me, if only by less than a centimeter.  False. Chas was possibly 5' 7", so right from the get-go I had been betrayed. You should know that I am also a full proponent of honesty. As mothers everywhere have always said, honesty is the best policy. I think that if you're up front about something with someone, then they have the chance to figure out if they are interested in the real you, instead of the online "better" version. As you can imagine from the initial betrayal, the rest of the date did not go well, not because he was short, but because he lied.

I'll now start from the beginning. Chas showed up in my matches one day and he seemed good looking, outdoorsy, and had a puppy, what more could I want? So I clicked the giant check mark and, eventually, he wrote me an email. The emails got super long because we had a lot in common: born and raised in the same city, similar tastes in music and activities, love dogs, etc. Eventually he said we should meet up so we exchanged phone numbers and made plans for last night. In his emails and texts he kept saying I was an "impressive lady" and sending me puppy pictures. I can't say that this upset me except that I'm not a "lady". Alas, how could he have known?

Yesterday he texted to confirm our date at my favorite ice cream shop at 7:30, I said yes, but also that I had a ton of work to get done (true) so it couldn't be too long. He offered a different time, but really I would have needed a break from working anyway. I wore my leather pants, drove to the ice cream joint, and waited on the benches outside. Chas walked up and it was obviously him from the pictures, except that he was way shorter than promised. This was highlighted by the fact that he was wearing sort of a wool trench coat that was pretty long (mid-thigh) and made him look even shorter. He continued to prove he had no style by wearing Vans and dress pants, eww. Anyway, we went inside, got ice cream (I had melted chocolate and it was so good), and he paid.

We walked to his car to get his puppy, Ashley, who was a four-month old labradoodle and became the highlight of the date. Whatever chemistry we initially had via email was definitely lacking in person. I'm not sure if it was nerves or the fact that neither of us could re-read what we wanted to say before sending it in order to sound cute and flirty. Whatever it was, the spark, was not there for me. We chatted about banal things like work, favorite colours, and other things of no import in real life. There was no laughter or flirtiness in person.

We walked around the block a few times, Ashley pooped and Chas didn't have a bag, so I had to give him my napkin and he carried it around forever. He even pointed this out to me: "Now I'm super attractive carrying around poop". No, Chas. You know what is sexy? Responsible pet ownership. I think it's sexy to be prepared, especially when it comes to taking care of your dependents. If you have a dog, please take care of it. This is like all the dogs that are left in boiling hot cars in the summer or are left alone all day and all night while you have your "life"; they can't take care of themselves or speak for themselves, so that's up to you. This may seem like a strange thing to be so passionate about, but it's the reason that I don't have a dog that I so desperately want, because I don't spend enough time at home to take care of one.

Once Chas had disposed of the poop (and not washed his hands, and then ate his ice cream using those hands) we continued our walk around the same block several more times. Conversation did not flow easily, we quickly ran out of those things in common that we had discussed in emails, and we walked in awkward silence for a while. After what felt like 2 hours, I looked at my watch and realized it had only been 30 minutes! OH MY GOD. So I said I was really sorry and had to get back to work and that it was all I could think about so I was being bad company. Then I hightailed it back to my car and didn't look back.

I'm so happy that I cancelled my membership and that I only have one more date set up. I hope you guys are enjoying this more than I am, but also I'm glad I can see the humor in it anyway :)

Love Sack Murda