Oh my goodness, you are in for a treat! Last night, I went on the worst of all the online dates that I've been on. In fact it only lasted 30 minutes, that's how bad it was.
Let me start with some reality. In reality, I am 5' 8 3/4''. That is less than 5' 9'', which is how tall I tell people I am and which is what my online dating profile says. That is less than 5' 11" which is how tall I used to be convinced I was and how tall I used to tell people I was. There is actually a volleyball roster that was sent out when I was in grade 12 that said I was 6' 3", that was very clearly a lie. So, in reality, I'm not THAT tall, but I am kind of tall.
On the online dating site, you are supposed to write your hair colour, eye colour, height, "body type", race, etc. Chas's profile said he was 5' 9", which, as I have just established, should have been taller than me, if only by less than a centimeter. False. Chas was possibly 5' 7", so right from the get-go I had been betrayed. You should know that I am also a full proponent of honesty. As mothers everywhere have always said, honesty is the best policy. I think that if you're up front about something with someone, then they have the chance to figure out if they are interested in the real you, instead of the online "better" version. As you can imagine from the initial betrayal, the rest of the date did not go well, not because he was short, but because he lied.
I'll now start from the beginning. Chas showed up in my matches one day and he seemed good looking, outdoorsy, and had a puppy, what more could I want? So I clicked the giant check mark and, eventually, he wrote me an email. The emails got super long because we had a lot in common: born and raised in the same city, similar tastes in music and activities, love dogs, etc. Eventually he said we should meet up so we exchanged phone numbers and made plans for last night. In his emails and texts he kept saying I was an "impressive lady" and sending me puppy pictures. I can't say that this upset me except that I'm not a "lady". Alas, how could he have known?
I'll now start from the beginning. Chas showed up in my matches one day and he seemed good looking, outdoorsy, and had a puppy, what more could I want? So I clicked the giant check mark and, eventually, he wrote me an email. The emails got super long because we had a lot in common: born and raised in the same city, similar tastes in music and activities, love dogs, etc. Eventually he said we should meet up so we exchanged phone numbers and made plans for last night. In his emails and texts he kept saying I was an "impressive lady" and sending me puppy pictures. I can't say that this upset me except that I'm not a "lady". Alas, how could he have known?
Yesterday he texted to confirm our date at my favorite ice cream shop at 7:30, I said yes, but also that I had a ton of work to get done (true) so it couldn't be too long. He offered a different time, but really I would have needed a break from working anyway. I wore my leather pants, drove to the ice cream joint, and waited on the benches outside. Chas walked up and it was obviously him from the pictures, except that he was way shorter than promised. This was highlighted by the fact that he was wearing sort of a wool trench coat that was pretty long (mid-thigh) and made him look even shorter. He continued to prove he had no style by wearing Vans and dress pants, eww. Anyway, we went inside, got ice cream (I had melted chocolate and it was so good), and he paid.
We walked to his car to get his puppy, Ashley, who was a four-month old labradoodle and became the highlight of the date. Whatever chemistry we initially had via email was definitely lacking in person. I'm not sure if it was nerves or the fact that neither of us could re-read what we wanted to say before sending it in order to sound cute and flirty. Whatever it was, the spark, was not there for me. We chatted about banal things like work, favorite colours, and other things of no import in real life. There was no laughter or flirtiness in person.
We walked around the block a few times, Ashley pooped and Chas didn't have a bag, so I had to give him my napkin and he carried it around forever. He even pointed this out to me: "Now I'm super attractive carrying around poop". No, Chas. You know what is sexy? Responsible pet ownership. I think it's sexy to be prepared, especially when it comes to taking care of your dependents. If you have a dog, please take care of it. This is like all the dogs that are left in boiling hot cars in the summer or are left alone all day and all night while you have your "life"; they can't take care of themselves or speak for themselves, so that's up to you. This may seem like a strange thing to be so passionate about, but it's the reason that I don't have a dog that I so desperately want, because I don't spend enough time at home to take care of one.
We walked around the block a few times, Ashley pooped and Chas didn't have a bag, so I had to give him my napkin and he carried it around forever. He even pointed this out to me: "Now I'm super attractive carrying around poop". No, Chas. You know what is sexy? Responsible pet ownership. I think it's sexy to be prepared, especially when it comes to taking care of your dependents. If you have a dog, please take care of it. This is like all the dogs that are left in boiling hot cars in the summer or are left alone all day and all night while you have your "life"; they can't take care of themselves or speak for themselves, so that's up to you. This may seem like a strange thing to be so passionate about, but it's the reason that I don't have a dog that I so desperately want, because I don't spend enough time at home to take care of one.
Once Chas had disposed of the poop (and not washed his hands, and then ate his ice cream using those hands) we continued our walk around the same block several more times. Conversation did not flow easily, we quickly ran out of those things in common that we had discussed in emails, and we walked in awkward silence for a while. After what felt like 2 hours, I looked at my watch and realized it had only been 30 minutes! OH MY GOD. So I said I was really sorry and had to get back to work and that it was all I could think about so I was being bad company. Then I hightailed it back to my car and didn't look back.
I'm so happy that I cancelled my membership and that I only have one more date set up. I hope you guys are enjoying this more than I am, but also I'm glad I can see the humor in it anyway :)
Love Sack Murda
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