Head Over Flats - Guy

I fell in love with Guy on a very mild wintery Wednesday afternoon. I was walking to the bank and listening to music. The sun was shining and a Chinook (warm wind off the mountains that melts all the snow and gives us nicer weather for a few days in the middle of an otherwise miserable winter) was blowing merrily from the West. I had my sunglasses on and it felt almost like summer for the first time in ages.

Sondre Lerche’s cover of “Let My Love Open the Door” was playing. If you’re not familiar with it, you should check it out. It’s one of those bright and beautiful songs that you can easily fall in love to.

As I strolled up to the entrance, I saw a young man on his way out. He was not tall, perhaps only an inch taller than me. He wore a checkered shirt (no jacket, Chinooks are lovely), a bow tie, grey slacks and brown leather shoes. He had a bag over his shoulder, and he was putting a folder with papers into it as he walked. He was not looking up.

It was instinct, (and also party because Emily had sent me a glorious feminist tirade about how courtesy shouldn’t be gender biased) I pulled the door open and stood aside holding it for him. He gave me a look. I have since replayed said look an unnecessary number of times in my head and still haven’t figured out what exactly it meant. I thought I saw surprise, appreciation, amusement, playfulness and something ineffable in his eyes and brow.

I saw his lips moving, “Thank you very much.” I heard Sondre Lerche singing, “Let my love open the door to your heart.”

I smiled at him as he stepped out; he smiled back with sincerity and dimples, winter sky blue eyes dancing in his face. My heart skipped a beat, I nearly tripped. Then he awkwardly reached for the door to hold it open for me in turn as I went into the bank and away from him.

I then realized I’d been humming the song out loud. I turned to look back. He had let the door fall to, and stood in profile, silhouetted by the glass. He was still there smiling; he shook his head and walked away.

“I believe
in love at first sight
but I will always believe
that the people
we love
we have loved before.
Many, many, many times before
and when we stumble
through grace and circumstance
and that brilliant illusion of choice
to finally meet them again,
we feel it faster
each time through.
The one glance
that set life alight
is two sets of two eyes
staring through the layers
of lifetimes and stolen glances
and first kisses and hands held;
the brace against the weight
and unrelenting tide
of waiting.
I believe
in love at first sight
but am not burdened with the misconception
that it's a first sight
at all.” (Tyler Knott Gregson)

A Valentine for Love

So my initial impulse this month - the month of love - was a 'fuck you guys I'm taking my ball and I'm going home!' sort of reaction. I wasn't going to write anything and keep my shitty mood to myself. Just in case we weren't clear on the status of my love life I am literally sitting in the courthouse right now trying to get a separation agreement. No literally. Actually. No bullshit! Don't believe me? Check out the picture...Did I mention February is also the month of my anniversary? My love life is a bit of a mess and, despite me being the initiator of my current situation, I am feeling very disillusioned by love.

But then I thought isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater? (Side note: very interesting history of that phrase and the first person to post it in the comment gets something awesome!)
Love is also fabulous, amazing and spectacular; when you get it right. Love is what created my two incredible children; no matter where that relationship stands now. Love can move mountains, encourage us to be our best and push us to grow in ways we never knew was possible. Love, and its close relative sex can be more addictive than drugs (not that I would know). Love can be the deepest and sweetest pain when it is unrequited and even occasionally when it is requited but the timing is wrong. We could talk about love in terms of biology, brain chemistry, survival of our species and economics. But none of this seems to fully capture love; that slippery little fucker!
So I have decided, in honor of love and all its facets, I will plagiarise... er I mean quote some of my favourite yet obscure comments on the beautiful, bittersweet emotion. I think I will also throw in a little poem of my own.  Please excuse the references, grammar, and spelling (Come on spell check, don't fail me now!!). In an effort to get this posted before the end of February I had to forgo my light editing from my blogging pals. Grammar police you have been warned. Please don't judge. I hope, no matter where you are on the love/sex/relationship spectrum, you can find something here to enjoy.

"In the diary I wrote: Now we are ready
and each of us knows it   I have never loved
like this   I have never seen 
my own forces so taken up and shared 
and given back"
Adrienne Rich from Phantasia for Elvira Shatayev in Dream of a Common Language

Okay I have to add a note here. First of all you need to know, his poem was written in honor of Elvira Shatayev (no duh) who led an all-women's climbing team up Lenin Peak. The whole team froze to death in a storm then her husband climbed the mountain to find and bury the bodies. True story.
Wow, right!?!?!
To love someone so much, yet to let them go and follow their own dreams, even when it might kill them. I love you. I release you. So tough and yet important.
Also the idea of matching powers or personalities. I won't try to outshine you but I will match you and by matching make us both better. Look up the whole poem. It's awesome!

"Love, she thought, with a violent repulsion. Was it ever love? Can love ever be cemented in fear?"
Anya Seton from Dragonwyck

Hun. Good point Anya. I don't think so but it hasn't stopped me from trying.

"All the hoardings of my imagination I have laid bare to you. There isn't a recess in my brain into which you haven't penetrated."
Violet Trefusis but I don't know where it's from.

I wish. No really when I wrote this quote in my journal that's what I wrote above it. Gotta find the source one day.

"No evil dooms us hopelessly except the evil which we love, and desire to continue in, and make no effort to escape from."
George Eliot but I don't know where it's from, again.

Check, George... don't fall in love with evil shit.

"...Forgiveness in the name of love practised among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour, unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family."
Henry Nouwen from The Only Necessary Thing

I have a sneaking suspicion this includes self compassion and forgiveness. Just saying. Also very validating to know we all love poorly. Competition between loving ourselves and loving others. Our needs and theirs... sigh. This shit is complex!

"I want it now. Not the promises of what tomorrow brings."
Echo and the Bunnymen from Nothing Ever Last Forever

Okay I had to include some song lyrics here because the majority of songs refer to or are about love of some kind. Just goes to show I'm not the only one that struggles to figure this stuff out. This also just happens to have been the song I was listening to while I writing in the courthouse.
Preach Bunnymen! Who is Echo by the way? And is he hot?

Okay this is from Molly S, Buddha Doodles (http://www.buddhadoodles.com/). Her artwork is amazing, inspiring and worth a look if you have nothing better to do (or even if you do). Also really enjoy this quote from Rumi. He was one smart spinning man.

Love Poem #9

I love you
People say it all the time
I love you
As in I care for you
As in you make me a better person
As in I love you like the moon and stars

I love you
As in I'm afraid to be alone
As in if I say it enough it'll be true
As in all except for... your eyes, your smile, your face, your laugh, your ____....

But truthful I love yous
Contain so much more
      Infinity
      True You
      All of you
I love you, people say it all the time

I love you
As in I'll fix you
As in you are not enough
As in you will never be enough

I love you
As in I'm hoping you'll fix me
As in make me loveable
As in please don't leave me

This I love you
Conceals so much more
     Loneliness
     Confusion
     Grief
I love you. You complete me. People say it all the time

I love you
People say it all the time
Slippery, slimy words
A currency, a transaction
I love you, except I don't

I love you
Hiding so much more
     Passion
     Craving
     Urges
I love you. Let's have sex. People say it all the time

Infinity. Loneliness. Passion.
I love you.
But love changes.
And right now, I don't.

These are my humble offerings on love. Hope you enjoyed and make comments... especially because you could win "something awesome"!! :)

Em for Movies - Deadpool

Well Deadpool was fantastic. This long-awaited labour of love finally made it out into the world, and it was everything I’d hoped it would be. For those of you who haven’t been living in a state of anticipation since 2010 when the script leaked online and therefore don’t know what I’m talking about, Deadpool is a comic book movie.

Wait! Before you roll your eyes, know that this is not just another blasé cookie cutout movie franchise. Unlike the rest of the films set in and around the X-Men universe, this one is rated R. Necessarily so. Explicit, foul, playful and very self-aware, Deadpool stands out as unique in its style of storytelling and its approach to the traditional superhero clichés. It kept me rapt and entertained from the first sweet strains of Juice Newton through a well-paced, entertaining (though predictable) plot all the way to Salt-N-Pepa funking up the credits.

Ryan Reynolds was definitive as Wade Wilson/Deadpool, delivering quips and monologues with such aplomb as to render an unhinged jackass mercenary antihero totally endearing. It also helped that Reynolds’s rocking body in that red suit was actually more impressive than the CGI one he was given in Green Lantern. The supporting characters were also wonderfully odd. The mandatory love interest played by Morena Baccarin had the required level of gorgeousness, but with a healthy dose of crazy. Deadpool’s roommate Blind Al and pal Weasel were delightfully crude as well.

It was refreshing to see Deadpool living within the stereotypes, simultaneously adhering to and subverting the comic book tropes that we’ve become so very accustomed to in today’s Marvel-ous movie market.

I give it a shot of liquid cocaine. There’s some real gold in there, it’s potent, harsh as hell, but sweeter than you might expect.

Cheers,

Em

Head Over Flats - Andrew 2

I fell in love with Andrew again late one Friday evening. It had been two years since I first fell for him, and I think for the most part, I’d managed to get past it. Where that initial magnetic spark had been, there was now a deeply seeded mutual respect and (for me, at least) a slow-burning sort of attraction.

It was Friday night, I was home, being responsible. An early morning commitment had kept me from joining my friends on their night out. I also had reason to believe my ex, Trent would be there and I was anxious to avoid seeing him.

My phone rang around 11. Andrew was borderline incoherent, but I managed to ascertain that he and Mac were downtown, very very drunk and in need of a ride. Fifteen minutes later, I found the pair of them slouching against/into a hedge in front of an office building. Mac could barely walk, but we maneuvered him into the back seat. I gave him the option of puking out the window or into a Nalgene bottle from my gym bag. To his credit, he did neither.

Andrew ran through the highlights of the night in his candid, straightforward way as I drove them home. He told me about how I would have loved the music, and hated the girl that Trent was hitting on, how I would have laughed at his (Andrew’s) dance moves. As he rambled, I realized that he had put a great deal of thought into what I would have thought, had I been there. Which was odd, and terribly endearing.

I remarked, “I’m sorry I missed out.”

“I’m glad you rescued us.”

He made it sound so noble.

I meant to say, I have your back and support you as a friend.

I wanted to say, I think we both know I would do anything for you.

I actually said, “Hey, I got you.”

He reached out with his left hand. I thought he was fumbling for the radio or something until his fingers laced themselves through mine in a gesture so presumptuous, so intimate and so welcome. It was a little uncomfortable, as I was driving stick shift, but I didn’t want to let go. Every millimeter of skin where he touched it was alive; millions of tiny electrical impulses shouting that this is what real connection feels like.

“I got you, too.”

"‘Tis the human touch in this world that counts,
The touch of your hand in mine,
Which means far more to the fainting heart
Than shelter and bread and wine:

For shelter is gone when the night is o’er,
And bread lasts only a day,
But the touch of the hand and the sound of the voice
Sing on in the soul alway."

(Dr Spencer Michael Free)

Booze-Infused Beauties - Red Wine Red Velvet Cake

Red Wine Red Velvet Cake

So, remember how I was all, “Stay tuned for Spiced Rum and Eggnog Cupcakes”? Umm yeah.

Remember how in my first post I talk about patience pants? Yeah…Well you may want to put those on until next Christmas. Sorry about that one.

I did make them you know! And apparently I have changed the opinion of one man who swears he hates both cupcakes and eggnog! They were delish, so I am told. And, I wrote a post on how to make them. My post also discusses what the heck eggnog even is - I still don’t know, so don’t ask. I didn’t finish it in time for Christmas, again I’m sorry. I thought it would be cruel to post the recipe for Spiced Rum & Eggnog Cupcakes after Christmas when there is no longer any Nog on the shelves! That would be mean. I don’t like being mean, unless it’s towards people who are condescending. So, if that is you, e-mail me and I’ll send you the recipe.

It is now February, and instead of making a stupid Valentines Recipe for stupid Valentines Day (See “Top 5 Better Days than Valentines Day), I’ve chosen to gather my inspiration elsewhere. My aunt–one of the most inspiring, wonderful, hilarious and down-to-earth people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. My aunt passed away last February. She was a devoted mother, loving wife, caring sister, true friend and the coolest of all aunts. She taught me that life is precious and loved ones even more so, and to love the little things and go for your big dreams. Any time I am facing something difficult in my life, whether it’s heartbreak, work struggles or not fitting into my pants, I think, “What would my aunt have said?” Most likely, she would’ve said, “You’ve got this! Now go have a glass of wine.” or something along those lines (Though if I’m whining about how my pants are too tight the response would probably be closer to, “Oh shut up and drink this!”).  My aunt loved red wine. In fact, if you are a female in my family and you don’t love red wine then you were likely switched at birth or adopted. That’s fine, we still love and accept you as long as you learn to love red wine...and soon.

I was wracking my brain thinking about what I could possibly bake with red wine when, voila! Red Velvet popped into my head. I’ve never really liked the idea of red velvet with all its food dye and stuff but I have made it with beet juice before and that was pretty…though it tasted a little like dirt, as beets do.
 

This recipe took me a few tries to master but according to my family and some fantastic friends who volunteered to taste test; it’s moist, fluffy, and best of all, tastes great. From what I’m told, the cream cheese icing pairs well with the wine in the cake. Who doesn’t love wine and cheese? Maybe those switched-at-birth kids.

Ingredients:

I cup vegetable oil

½ cup milk (any kind, even lactose free works)

1 cup of wine (and the rest you get to drink, yay!)

2 eggs

2 tsp (ish) vanilla

2 ½ cups flour

1 ½ cups granulated sugar

1 tsp baking soda (my notes say 1 tsp BS, ha!)

1 tsp salt

2 tsp cocoa powder

2 tsps vinegar

Tiny bit of red gel food dye

Baking Instructions:

So, here’s how it goes. Open a bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass. That’s kind of a mandatory first step. Take the cream cheese and butter out of the fridge so it can soften for your icing later.  Top up your glass of wine.

Again, because I am lazy, I put all the wet ingredients (minus the vinegar!) in a big bowl and mix it all together. The wine, oil and milk look strange together but I promise it’s not curdling or anything.  Then, I add all the dry ingredients into the same bowl and mix some more, trying not to over mix. Now you can add the vinegar… I don’t know why now and not earlier, that’s just how I felt it should be done.  

At this point the batter looked like light brown mud so I did end up putting a tiny amount, like the end of a toothpick worth, of gel red food dye. I like the gel better because you only have to use the smallest amount and it goes a long way. This is, of course, totally your choice; maybe you like bright red cake and teeth!

Pour the batter into two 9 inch round baking pans as evenly as possible, which I find is super hard to do, but try your best and fill up your wine glass.

Tap the pans on the counter top to try to get the bubbles out and throw it in the oven at 350 degrees F for 25 minutes. (Check your cake at the 20 minute mark with a toothpick).  When I was baking this I forgot to turn the oven on earlier to allow it to preheat (each time, yes). I was not unhappy about this because it meant I should probably sit down and drink more wine.

Pull the cakes out and let them sit for a few minutes until they are cool enough to turn out onto a wire cooling rack.  Drink more wine.

They end up looking like chocolate cakes on the outside, but they are red on the inside.

While the cakes are cooling you can make the icing and drink some more wine. Put the cream cheese and the butter in a bowl and mix (I used beaters but if you don’t have those you can use your muscles!).  Add the vanilla, milk and icing sugar and beat until smooth. Ice the cakes however you’d like! I decided at the last minute to put cinnamon hearts on mine, not because it’s V-day, but because cinnamon hearts are fun.

Enjoy with family, friends, loved ones, whoever, and for whichever occasion you want, or no occasion at all, just as long as you enjoy it with wine.

If my aunt were still here, I would make this cake for her birthday!  With wine.

Have fun! You should have a totally empty bottle of wine by the end of this recipe. If not, you have done something wrong.

Until next time,

Lizzy 

Happy Valentines Day - My Worst Date

My Worst Date: Decision-Making for Dummies

2011 

Saturday night my boyfriend Nathan and I had a date. I wanted to check out a mystery theatre production of And Then There Were None but it didn't work out because it was a pre-view night only and I couldn't snag tickets. Friday night I'd had a raucous night out with my best guy friend from high school and my new wonderful friend Stacy wherein we drank a tower of beer and played cribbage at a karaoke bar until closing time. The effects of these shenanigans still hadn't quite wore off by Saturday evening, when Nathan gave me two options:

            1. plan something else for us to do downtown; or
            2. catch transit south to the suburbs and meet his parents for a movie night in.

There were other options that I considered after hanging up with the promise to call him back, (including breaking up, or jumping out a window) but they seemed a little extreme and were most likely a reaction to being forced into a (Gasp!) decision rather than a rational reaction. Keep in mind, I was mortally hung-over. (Note: have since discovered that I am allergic to beer, hence the severity of the hangover.)

Having no intention of planning anything, nor hosting Nathan at my horrifically messy apartment, I made the trek south. I informed him that this was to be the extent of my decision making for the week. On the plus side, the bus and train rides allowed me enough time to finish (at long last) Vanity Fair, and to put a good sized dent into my Terry Pratchett book. Luckily I'd thought to bring along two books.

Nathan met me at the station and we stopped to pick up movies. In my determination to not make any more decisions I made a rather obvious mistake. Guilt by omission. We wandered through the store, looking for a "mother appropriate" movie. She'd already seen Eat Pray Love, much to my relief. Refusing outright to make any decisions whatsoever, I nevertheless suggested (too subtly and to my regret) that Letters to Juliet was probably our best bet. Nathan chose The Kids are All Right. I'd wanted to see it since first catching a preview months and months before. I gave a (far too understated, must work on this) hint that the content may not be appropriate for his mother. A brief note about said mother:  she does not swear, and does not approve of inappropriateness, and is, in the words of her only son, "bat-shit crazy".

We arrived and Nathan's father met us at the door. He had white hair, glasses and exuded an active grandfatherliness that I would have associated with my elderly male relatives if I'd ever had any. There was a bit of the curmudgeon in him, but overall a good-humoured fellow. He shook my hand and told me it was nice to meet me. I informed him that my name was Emily and that it was nice to meet him too. Awkward silence followed. Nathan's mother bustled in with a steely gray-ness to everything about her. She smiled, shook my hand while I told her my name, and she also said nothing. In short, I still have no idea what their names are. Mr and Mrs Prentice, I suppose. Too bizarre. I felt 16 years old. Thanks for the soda, Mrs P? Maybe I'd slid into some sort of remnant of early modernist America and should have commented on the lovely wall paper. A faux pas was inevitable, but it's unreal just how badly it actually went.

We fell to discussing the movie that we'd rented. And suddenly it was what "we" had chosen, and therefore I felt the need to explain a little bit about it. By this time I was (slightly) defensive, and talked (probably too crassly and in too much depth) about the rave reviews and awards that The Kids are All Right had garnered. I was particularly familiar with it because of the Oscar pool I’d been running at work, and no doubt it sounded as though I had chosen this movie as our evening's entertainment. (I couldn’t have, I was on a decision-making break!) I mean it won 2 golden globes, was nominated for 4 Oscars (including Best Picture) and was a standout at film festivals around the world. Though I didn't pick it. Really. 

Defendant: Your honour, in my defence, I'd deferred any decision making for the evening, and therefore could not possibly have been the driving force behind the rental.

The Hon. Judge Hindsight: Your defensiveness indicates otherwise, Miss Statler. Your compliance with the video rental choice is implicit, and so you are most definitely guilty by association, and must bear any judgments that arise forthwith from your inaction. I sentence you to lingering mortification. Case dismissed.

If you're not familiar with The Kids Are All Right, the premise itself courts controversy for the sort of people who don't have first names and still have lovely wallpaper in their den, and therefore should have been banned from the "mother appropriate" category outright. The Kids Are All Right is about an unconventional family struggling with identity and change. It's a brilliant film, with absolutely stellar acting performances. But it turns out that there is a lot of sex in it. Drugs are alluded to, (Hell, they're snorted by a fifteen year old in the first 5 minutes!) homosexual pornography is featured, and there is practically a 5 minute montage of sex. It felt longer.

I sat in an agony of awkward mortification for the full 106 minutes. Mr P laughed frequently, commented vociferously and attempted to predict the multitude of plot points as they arose (he was consistently wrong, and would have offered comedic relief if I had been in a position to find anything funny as opposed to just horribly uncomfortable). Nathan's mother sat in disgusted silence, shooting steely glares over at the other couch where I sat a decent (and terrified) two feet away from Nathan, too embarrassed to breathe, but laughing occasionally in a manic, nervous and hopeless sort of way.

"Why oh why," my inner monologue lamented, "did Nathan, as he casually skimmed the back cover of the movie at Blockbuster (remember those?), not notice the rating which stated: 

            Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for strong sexual content, nudity, language and some teen drug and alcohol use.

Might've saved a lot of time and pain. 

It was like my evening had been scripted by Richard Curtis, but with this arrested development feeling of being 16 again. Like John Hughes with a vengeance.

What an awful experience.

Somehow I survived. "Nice to meet you," I said, fleeing as soon as was decent. In fact, it had been far from "nice" and that I hadn't in fact met them at all, seeing as I still don't know their names. But those are the types of things that you say when you’re trapped in a 1950’s time warp meeting your (very) soon-to-be ex-boyfriend’s parents.

Top 5s - Days That Are Better Than Valentine's Day

$ack Murda

1.       Taco Tuesday

I feel that this doesn’t really need an explanation, but for those of you unaware: Tacos > everything.

2.       All Fridays ever

People count down days until Friday, there is one EVERY single week, people are not discriminated against for being single on Fridays, people can still eat candy on Fridays, people in relationships can still be happy together on Fridays without shoving it down everyone else’s throat.

3.       Christmas

Another candy holiday, single people still receive candy, and I love Christmas for the joy and family times it brings.

4.       Easter

More candy, but you have to work for it. I’m 27 and still have Easter Egg hunts because my life is awesome.

5.       Palentine’s

If you’re feeling lonely and single on Valentine’s Day, I’ve always had the greatest time celebrating with friends. They love you (hopefully unconditionally), they love chocolate (definitely unconditionally), and they love wine. I see no problem with this becoming the new holiday.

Dee Waldorf

So I try to participate in these Top 5 challenges because a) they’re fun and b) they get me writing, but for this one I’ve decided to go in a slightly different direction. Given the abysmal state of my love life/recent separation this should make sense. I hope you find it funny and take it with a shot of bitters.

Top 5 days that are better than Valentine’s:

The day before, the day after, today, tomorrow and basically any of the other 364 days of the year! Take yer pick! :P


Drew Sicola

I think I may be the odd one out here, in that I have a total soft spot for Valentine’s Day. It’s one of the few days where we’re encouraged to go the extra mile, where extravagant displays of appreciation aren’t alarming or absurd. And I love doing things like that - striking up the string quartet and embarrassing the hell out of someone I care about, sending ridiculous cards to tell my loved ones that they’re special. I feel like every other day there’s this emphasis on not showing too much, doing too much, going too far. Like it’s a weakness when we care about someone, or that telling them we care is to give them power over us. Personally, I don’t mind being that idiot standing on the front lawn with a boom box, blaring an 80s love anthem. But maybe that’s just me.

I’ll admit there are some pretty great days out there though. So here is my list:

1.       First day of summer

It’s always the start of something great. The year seems to speed up with so many events and even simple sunny afternoons are something to savour.

2.       Canada Day

For one thing, it’s a National holiday. Having a day off midsummer is a glorious thing. Also, how great is it to celebrate being Canadian? Be affable, drink too much and show some hoser pride! What’s not to love?

3.       Christmas

Family by the fireside, just happy to see one another and celebrate in the middle of winter’s bleakest days.

4.       Halloween

Candy and ghost stories. What more can you want?

5.       All Saints Day

If I’m not too mortally hungover from Halloween, the tradition which extends all the way back to antiquity (ok, to 1998) is to rock out to All Saints music and gorge myself on greasy hangover delicacies. And in spite of the fuzziness of my head, it’s always a great day.

Lizzy Tonnell

Any day is better than Valentine’s Day:

I support this Top 5s Topic. Valentine’s Day is the worst. I used to host a Valentine’s party every year for my single friends. We would eat ice cream and watch horrible romantic comedies. The parties became smaller and smaller every year. I don’t host them anymore. Most of my friends are married and have small daycares in their houses. They get excited about the prospect of having a diaper-free night with their hubby. I hate that word; “hubby”. It may be obvious that I am not the typical “let’s grow up, get married and have kids” kind of person…I’m kind of a feminist; I don’t partake in bra burning (Those things are bloody expensive!) but I am of the belief that a woman does not require a man in her life in order to be happy. So screw you Valentine’s Day and all your gushy, sappy, romantic, cheap teddy bear, box of chocolates, bouquet of red roses sh*t, I have better things to do.

Speaking of better things to do, I can think of a few better days than V-Day. Let’s see, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday minus February 14^th. All jokes aside though, here is a list of my Top 5 Days That Are Better Than Valentine’s Day:

1.       December 4^th

International Cookie Day. I’m a baker, what can I say?

2.       September 5^th

International Bacon Day. Umm it’s bacon.

3.       July 1^st

Canada Day. Go Canada!

4.       May something: Victoria Day.

Hooray long weekend and springtime!

5.       May something else: Mother’s Day.

I love my mom.

Emily Statler

The hard part to this one was narrowing it down. So many days to choose from, including getting a root canal or those glorious days on jury duty.

1.       St Patrick’s Day

Now here is a Saint whose veneration I will celebrate. No ticking time-bomb of wilted death roses, no romance or public displays of affection required. Just a splash of green and a dram of whiskey to make my day complete. While it is not a civic holiday, it’s my favourite nonetheless. Sláinte!

2.       Halloween

I might have to write an entire essay on the beauty of Halloween costumes. I love the home-made ones, the puns, the shamelessness, the creativity. Halloween has it all: dressing up, revelry and something in the air that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. It’s creepy, it’s fun, it’s way the hell better than flowers and obligations.

3.       Easter Sunday

There’s a great blonde joke about Easter and what it means. To me, it’s a day to belt out “Jesus Christ Superstar” with my mum, hunt chocolate eggs with my niece and nephews, eat ham and fresh buns with my dad and generally enjoy my boisterous family. The morbidity of Zombie Jesus Day aside, it’s got all the chocolate of Valentine’s Day with none of the sap.

4.       Festivus

Before Seinfeld came up with a great name and some solid party event ideas, there was the drunken celebration that we called Christmas Eve Eve on December 23, each year. The timing is ideal because everyone is back home and it’s a nice way to ignore the stress of the holidays.

5.       New Years Eve

Sure, New Years is usually a shitty night, with all of those expectations built up and the inevitable disappointment looming. But it’s great to start again, to look toward a new year. Also, pretty much any day is better than Valentine’s Day.

Em for Movies - Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

At last! All the subtle brilliance of Jane Austen's classic Regency era love story, now with the ghoulish zombie mayhem that it deserves. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is still the much-adored story of the Bennett sisters and their quest to find love/husbands (though ideally both) in the iniquitous and fraught society of turn-of-the-nineteenth-century Hertfordshire, which is lovely. But in this iteration, it happens to coincide with the zombie apocalypse.

Armed with daggers as sharp as her wit, Elizabeth Bennett is less impertinent but far more deadly than I'd ever seen her before. Darcy got a makeover as well as a fearsome zombie hunter; his ruthlessness and suspicion melded well with Jane Austen's terse and reluctant suitor. Seeing the two leads bandy words and even punches was truly delightful.

For such a ridiculous premise, I thought it turned out surprisingly well. The cast was exceptional; everyone seemed quite capable with the physicality and the delivery of classic dialogue in a truly absurd context. Matt Smith turned in a memorably entertaining performance as the doddering cousin and wannabe suitor of Elizabeth, and Lena Headey was captivating as Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

A precept for the wise: it's still Pride and Prejudice. The addition of zombies is a fascinating twist, but ultimately this is a love story - fun, silly, gruesome at times, however still a story of boy meets girl, obstacles abound, and love simply must conquer all. By removing the head and stomping on it when necessary.

If a restrictive and hierarchical English society wasn't enough of an obstacle to Elizabeth and Darcy, can a horde of the ravenous undead really stand a chance? I give Pride and Prejudice and Zombies a blueberry tea. You can pretend it's classy all you like, but you're really just in it for the buzz.

Cheers,
Em

The Leather Pants - Chas Follow-up

One girl's misadventures in online dating - Chas follow-up

Let me be clear, this was not a date. If you recall from the initial Chas date: he was short, I was unimpressed, things lasted 30 minutes, I bailed.  Those are the Coles' Notes, if you want a full recap see Date 5. However, since then the most hilarious things have transpired and I have to share.

Our unfortunate date was October 1 (the best day of Chas' life) and, trying to end the date in an inoffensive way, I must have said something like "We should do this again", in order to save his feelings. In my mind, he would have known that something was amiss when the date lasted only half an hour, but I was wrong. 

That Saturday I was at a volleyball tournament and Chas began texting me asking if I wanted to hang out that weekend, I wasn't rude or anything, but he ended the conversation with "Sorry, you seem pretty busy right now. I'll stop distracting you". I was at a tournament, had already told him that, and really wasn't concerned with his feelings at this point.  

Tuesday he texted again seeing how my weekend was and sending puppy pictures. If you could see the conversation that transpired, I am very clearly not interested. His texts are small paragraphs, mine are one to two word responses.  He then tried to set up another date of bowling and appetizers that Thursday, luckily I had a excuse that it was my brother's dog's birthday (yes, he is a dog and I celebrate his birthday) so I couldn't go on what promised to be another awful date. I continued to tell him how busy my life was, trying to get him to figure out that busy=not interested. I clearly needed to just outright say it though.

Wednesday he texts me a huge list of questions about myself that are completely inconsequential.  There are 8 questions, 3 of which are about me avoiding the paparazzi (?), 0 of which I answered.  

Sunday he asks  how my long weekend has been. It has been phenomenal, but I don't answer.

Tuesday he confronts me. "Wow, didn't think you were ready to give up on me after the strong start that we had. Guess I was wrong about your character". I'm sorry, what? 1. What strong start? Emails and texts do not a relationship make, nor did our date go well! 2. DO NOT QUESTION MY CHARACTER YOU MOTHERFUCKING STRANGER.  

Emily (my text message co-author) and I quickly got to work composing a slew of responses.  The one we chose was "Hey Chas, sorry for not getting back to you sooner, as you know I've been really busy with this new work assignment and I didn't really have time to be texting. My character, however, is not in question. I don't think one date entitles you to an explanation from me, but if you must know, this was our first holiday without my grandma and it was a difficult time for us so I spent the weekend with my family and not my phone. Honestly, I didn't see much of a connection between us and I was surprised to learn you feel differently. It was nice meeting you, and I hope you have better luck finding that spark with someone else." This is clearly a mix of Emily's words and my words, hers are the nice ones, mine are the angry ones (most of mine were rejected from the final draft). 

Chas's response was immediate: "Thank you for getting back to me. So when you said "we should do this again" you really meant ____? I don't feel a connection with you after all our great emails and laughs in such a short time. Sorry I gave up after 1 hour on our first meeting?!?" Umm, yeah Chas, that basically sums it up. Fuck off now.

Emily's response to this was pure brilliance: "Gosh, Chas. After reading your text, I've decided that you're wonderful and intuitive and exactly what I've been looking for in a partner. It's bitterness, scorn, and sarcasm that have been missing from my life! How clever of you to see it! Please don't take my rejection with grace or maturity, this is so much sexier." Needless to say, this message was not sent. Emily and I decided silence was the best answer at this point.

Wrong. Even though I have cancelled my online dating membership, I continue to get emails that men are interested or have emailed me. So yesterday while I was deleting emails one actually opened! (Usually it says I have to pay to communicate.) Of course, this one was from Chas and it only let me open it because we had already communicated. Basically it said "Surprise! I've decided to go back to this to rekindle our awesome connection from before" and then told me about his life and asked about mine. It was embarrassing. 

Right now, all I can do is laugh about this. I think it's hilarious, creepy, sad, and many other things. The good news is he hasn't reached out again today :). The bad news is he will probably call me out again for not responding to his email because he doesn't know I no longer have access to the account. The other good news is he doesn't know where I live. 

I'm also currently debating the merits of treating him to a reenactment of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days...but I'm convinced that I would not be able to actually ever get rid of Chas, so I'm thinking no.

Wish me luck in my continued adventures!

$

Je suis fat-ee-gay!

“Je suis fat-ee-gay!” I used to love that phrase in my French class. It was fun to say and as a partying, living life to the fullest (nearly bursting) 16-year-old it was usually true. But I never knew what fatigue was until this year.

Compassion fatigue. You hear a lot about it in the helping professions. They warn you repeatedly about it in school. Make sure to use your Self Care techniques and look after yourself. Umm okay. But what is it really? What does it look like, feel like, manifest like?

It’s running past a young woman on a Friday evening, who is high or drunk or both. Her pants are down around her ass and she is stumbling to get up. She may have fallen while taking a pee. She may have been raped. You run on without stopping.

It’s driving past someone hanging off the side of a bridge. Someone has stopped already and is trying to help but they seem to be a little overwhelmed. Not only do you keep driving but the thought pops into your head, unbidden, “If he jumps that'll be one less to deal with”.

It’s sitting around trash-talking your colleagues, community partners, or worse your clients without batting an eyelash, hoping beyond all reason that this will help you feel better. You get a slight high off the bitch session but really it makes things worse because you are planting seeds of resentment.

It’s a disgusting feeling. It’s not congruent with all you truly believe and feel. It’s disingenuous, perverted, and inauthentic. It sucks!

I can hear you now pondering my very REAL examples. How can you do that? That's disgusting. Why didn't you stop? You know why I can hear you? Because I'm saying things 20 times worse about myself in my own head. I'm thinking: you're a helper, you believe in dignity for everyone, all life is worthy, even assholes need help, how could you of all people have done that.

And there's the rub-the vicious downward spiral that compounds the pain and suffering. You have acted in a way that you know is not in line with your true self. But instead of recognizing what is happening and extending yourself some love and compassion you berate yourself for your behaviour and double your efforts at living up to your ideals and values. And on it goes, because after all we are all only human.

How does this happen though? How does a well-educated person allow this to occur? Well let me tell you, it seems to sneak up on someone who is just doing their job in an underfunded system. It creeps over your shoulder for a while, stalking and threatening, but you manage to keep it at bay with friends and fun and healthy coping skills. You learn to say “no,” but one day a lifetime of saying “yes” eventually leaps up and bites you in the ass. Then there comes the perfect storm of personal, professional and community demands that leaves your neck open for the killing bite. (Because often when you feel like you're successfully keeping it at bay it is actually eating away at your relationships and personal life through low energy and moodiness to name a few.) So now you are left with the destruction and the vicious circle of inauthentic actions or thoughts and self-beratement for your incongruence. So what does one do?

I say, Fuck it! Let that shit burn! Destruction breeds creation and no one can be a saint all the time. Keep saying “no”. Let go of relationships and activities that drain you further. Seek creative outlets. Share and be brave in facing and evaluating your beliefs about yourself, your work, and life. Do not let anyone put you on a pedestal and if they do, for God's sake GET DOWN! You are human. You have limits. The limits are there to protect you and warn you that it's time to rest, reflect, and heal. Show yourself some of that love and compassion you so freely give away to others. Plus if the rest of the world was even half as compassionate as you, and those of your ilk, you wouldn't have to work so damn hard.