Let me be clear, this was not a date. If you recall from the initial Chas date: he was short, I was unimpressed, things lasted 30 minutes, I bailed. Those are the Coles' Notes, if you want a full recap see Date 5. However, since then the most hilarious things have transpired and I have to share.
Our unfortunate date was October 1 (the best day of Chas' life) and, trying to end the date in an inoffensive way, I must have said something like "We should do this again", in order to save his feelings. In my mind, he would have known that something was amiss when the date lasted only half an hour, but I was wrong.
That Saturday I was at a volleyball tournament and Chas began texting me asking if I wanted to hang out that weekend, I wasn't rude or anything, but he ended the conversation with "Sorry, you seem pretty busy right now. I'll stop distracting you". I was at a tournament, had already told him that, and really wasn't concerned with his feelings at this point.
Tuesday he texted again seeing how my weekend was and sending puppy pictures. If you could see the conversation that transpired, I am very clearly not interested. His texts are small paragraphs, mine are one to two word responses. He then tried to set up another date of bowling and appetizers that Thursday, luckily I had a excuse that it was my brother's dog's birthday (yes, he is a dog and I celebrate his birthday) so I couldn't go on what promised to be another awful date. I continued to tell him how busy my life was, trying to get him to figure out that busy=not interested. I clearly needed to just outright say it though.
Wednesday he texts me a huge list of questions about myself that are completely inconsequential. There are 8 questions, 3 of which are about me avoiding the paparazzi (?), 0 of which I answered.
Sunday he asks how my long weekend has been. It has been phenomenal, but I don't answer.
Tuesday he confronts me. "Wow, didn't think you were ready to give up on me after the strong start that we had. Guess I was wrong about your character". I'm sorry, what? 1. What strong start? Emails and texts do not a relationship make, nor did our date go well! 2. DO NOT QUESTION MY CHARACTER YOU MOTHERFUCKING STRANGER.
Emily (my text message co-author) and I quickly got to work composing a slew of responses. The one we chose was "Hey Chas, sorry for not getting back to you sooner, as you know I've been really busy with this new work assignment and I didn't really have time to be texting. My character, however, is not in question. I don't think one date entitles you to an explanation from me, but if you must know, this was our first holiday without my grandma and it was a difficult time for us so I spent the weekend with my family and not my phone. Honestly, I didn't see much of a connection between us and I was surprised to learn you feel differently. It was nice meeting you, and I hope you have better luck finding that spark with someone else." This is clearly a mix of Emily's words and my words, hers are the nice ones, mine are the angry ones (most of mine were rejected from the final draft).
Chas's response was immediate: "Thank you for getting back to me. So when you said "we should do this again" you really meant ____? I don't feel a connection with you after all our great emails and laughs in such a short time. Sorry I gave up after 1 hour on our first meeting?!?" Umm, yeah Chas, that basically sums it up. Fuck off now.
Emily's response to this was pure brilliance: "Gosh, Chas. After reading your text, I've decided that you're wonderful and intuitive and exactly what I've been looking for in a partner. It's bitterness, scorn, and sarcasm that have been missing from my life! How clever of you to see it! Please don't take my rejection with grace or maturity, this is so much sexier." Needless to say, this message was not sent. Emily and I decided silence was the best answer at this point.
Wrong. Even though I have cancelled my online dating membership, I continue to get emails that men are interested or have emailed me. So yesterday while I was deleting emails one actually opened! (Usually it says I have to pay to communicate.) Of course, this one was from Chas and it only let me open it because we had already communicated. Basically it said "Surprise! I've decided to go back to this to rekindle our awesome connection from before" and then told me about his life and asked about mine. It was embarrassing.
Right now, all I can do is laugh about this. I think it's hilarious, creepy, sad, and many other things. The good news is he hasn't reached out again today :). The bad news is he will probably call me out again for not responding to his email because he doesn't know I no longer have access to the account. The other good news is he doesn't know where I live.
I'm also currently debating the merits of treating him to a reenactment of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days...but I'm convinced that I would not be able to actually ever get rid of Chas, so I'm thinking no.
Wish me luck in my continued adventures!
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