Je suis fat-ee-gay!

“Je suis fat-ee-gay!” I used to love that phrase in my French class. It was fun to say and as a partying, living life to the fullest (nearly bursting) 16-year-old it was usually true. But I never knew what fatigue was until this year.

Compassion fatigue. You hear a lot about it in the helping professions. They warn you repeatedly about it in school. Make sure to use your Self Care techniques and look after yourself. Umm okay. But what is it really? What does it look like, feel like, manifest like?

It’s running past a young woman on a Friday evening, who is high or drunk or both. Her pants are down around her ass and she is stumbling to get up. She may have fallen while taking a pee. She may have been raped. You run on without stopping.

It’s driving past someone hanging off the side of a bridge. Someone has stopped already and is trying to help but they seem to be a little overwhelmed. Not only do you keep driving but the thought pops into your head, unbidden, “If he jumps that'll be one less to deal with”.

It’s sitting around trash-talking your colleagues, community partners, or worse your clients without batting an eyelash, hoping beyond all reason that this will help you feel better. You get a slight high off the bitch session but really it makes things worse because you are planting seeds of resentment.

It’s a disgusting feeling. It’s not congruent with all you truly believe and feel. It’s disingenuous, perverted, and inauthentic. It sucks!

I can hear you now pondering my very REAL examples. How can you do that? That's disgusting. Why didn't you stop? You know why I can hear you? Because I'm saying things 20 times worse about myself in my own head. I'm thinking: you're a helper, you believe in dignity for everyone, all life is worthy, even assholes need help, how could you of all people have done that.

And there's the rub-the vicious downward spiral that compounds the pain and suffering. You have acted in a way that you know is not in line with your true self. But instead of recognizing what is happening and extending yourself some love and compassion you berate yourself for your behaviour and double your efforts at living up to your ideals and values. And on it goes, because after all we are all only human.

How does this happen though? How does a well-educated person allow this to occur? Well let me tell you, it seems to sneak up on someone who is just doing their job in an underfunded system. It creeps over your shoulder for a while, stalking and threatening, but you manage to keep it at bay with friends and fun and healthy coping skills. You learn to say “no,” but one day a lifetime of saying “yes” eventually leaps up and bites you in the ass. Then there comes the perfect storm of personal, professional and community demands that leaves your neck open for the killing bite. (Because often when you feel like you're successfully keeping it at bay it is actually eating away at your relationships and personal life through low energy and moodiness to name a few.) So now you are left with the destruction and the vicious circle of inauthentic actions or thoughts and self-beratement for your incongruence. So what does one do?

I say, Fuck it! Let that shit burn! Destruction breeds creation and no one can be a saint all the time. Keep saying “no”. Let go of relationships and activities that drain you further. Seek creative outlets. Share and be brave in facing and evaluating your beliefs about yourself, your work, and life. Do not let anyone put you on a pedestal and if they do, for God's sake GET DOWN! You are human. You have limits. The limits are there to protect you and warn you that it's time to rest, reflect, and heal. Show yourself some of that love and compassion you so freely give away to others. Plus if the rest of the world was even half as compassionate as you, and those of your ilk, you wouldn't have to work so damn hard.